The Coronation: The Man Who Wanted to be Reincarnated as Camilla's Tampon Will be Crowned King!

Hereditary monarchy is an anachronism, conceived in the mists of a distant, more primitive and more superstitious past.

The British monarchy is the ultimate expression of this concept.

To me, it is is completely ludicrous.

Based on the conquest of a kingdom by a distant ancestor, his descendants have a "right" to rule over the "little people," with whom they have nothing in common.

It is a system of inequality, of superior and inferior classes, with the vast majority of the populace being inferior to the hereditary monarchy and aristocracy, since the whole thing is based on the accident of birth, not intelligence or accomplishments.

And all the heirs to the throne have to do is wait around until the monarch dies.

That is their only purpose in life, the only thing they were born for.

The coronation is the ultimate celebration of the concept of monarchy, the zenith of an enforced period of waiting that the heir to the throne must endure.

King Charles III, nearly 75 years old, has been waiting for this moment his entire life.

His reign will not be a long one and most people are already looking past him to his son, William, Prince of Wales.

If the monarchy lasts that long.

The coronation ceremony itself is a religious, quasi-mystical event, conducted by clergymen of the Church of England, to which the majority of the peoples of the United Kingdom DO NOT subscribe!

Consecrated by such clergymen, dabbed with "holy oil" (Queen Elizabeth I stated that "the 'oil' was grease and it smelled ill"), crowned, orbed and sceptered, the coronation gives and almost holy quality to the monarch and the blood royal.

In short, they have been appointed by God to rule over all lesser human beings in the kingdom, the vast majority of British subjects.

And, since royal blood is holy blood, only royals should marry royals, to keep the strain of royalty pure.

History has seen the disastrous genetic effects of such inbreeding. Spain's Carlos II ("The Bewitched") is the ultimate expression of those dangers and was the last of the Spanish Habsburgs, his genetic baggage being such that he was unable to breed.

And such inbreeding also produced the narcissistic, horse-faced, bat-eared creature that is King Charles III whose parents were related to each other several different ways and thus concentrating the poison.

And even Charles III's current wife, Queen Camilla, is related to him.

Her grandmother, Sonia Keppel, was the illegitimate daughter of King Edward VII ("Edward the Caresser," known for his short reign following Queen Victoria's death and his penchant for adultery with ladies, actresses and prostitutes).

Charles III is Edward VII's great-great-grandfather.

Fortunately, Charles and Camilla were too old to have children together, although they did with their previous spouses, whom they divorced.

And yes, Camilla will be crowned alongside Charles on May 6!

Most people remember Camilla as being the "other woman" during Charles's marriage to the now sainted Diana, Princess of Wales. Which, when made public, created one Helluva scandal worldwide.

The fairy-tale royal romance and marriage was nothing more than a sham between a star-struck romantic teenager and a considerably older man who was already experienced in the practice of adultery. Diana soon learned her lesson and followed suit.

To do Camilla some justice, she was one of Charles's girlfriends way before he ever met and married Diana.

Camilla got tired of waiting for him to pop the question, so she married another man, only to go running back to Charles when her marriage got to be boring.

They were engaged in their love affair while he was courting Diana, and Charles never even attempted to give her up even after he got married.

It was an intimate phone call between the two of them (while they were still married to other people) that made for some salacious eavesdropping, although how exactly it was possible for other people to hear and record that conversation is still beyond me.

During that phone call, Charles stated to Camilla that he would like to be reincarnated as her tampon!

How romantic!

The man who will be crowned king wanted to be his mistress's tampon!

The man who was appointed by God to rule over the British people!

Of course, since Charles plans to slim down the monarchy and cut back on expenses, this might provide him with a golden opportunity to earn some extra cash by replacing trans freak Dylan Mulvaney as spokesman for Tampax!

Charles has also cut the number of invitations to the coronation to 2,000 people, a quarter of the number at his mother's coronation seventy years ago, and most of the nobility wasn't invited, earning the ire of hermaphrodite socialite Lady Colin Campbell.

Her year-long marriage to a younger son of the Duke of Argyll in the early 1970's was her entry into the British aristocracy and she has made a lucrative career out of being a "lady" ever since.

While supporting the monarchy gung-ho, she was critical of Charles in this respect.

Not so insipid hack writer and royal biographer Angela Levin and television personality Neil Sean, who continually gush Charles's praises to anyone who can't turn them off.

These people make their money off of the monarchy's continued existence, although Angela Levin's nauseating, fulsome praise of Charles makes one wonder if she is quite alright in the head.

At the same time, Charles's coronation will now offer a personal oath of loyalty for the attendees to take.

This has sparked another controversy, since anti-monarchist sentiment has grown in the UK and the Commonwealth and such an oath is what modern dictators usually demand of those unfortunate enough to be living under their rule.

But at least dictators had to actually do something to achieve power, whereas Charles only had to wait long enough to inherit it.

The last coronation on the European continent was in Romania in 1923.

With the exception of the British monarchs, all other European monarchies have eschewed lavish coronations for simple dignified installation or inauguration ceremonies where the monarch takes the oath of office and lasts only a few minutes, foregoing lavish, expensive coronations and eliminating the mystical, semi religious aspects of the proceedings.

They know that they are NOT appointed by God.

In the medieval Kingdom of Aragon, their kings' "coronation" ceremony was downright insulting. Though acknowledging the hereditary principle to a small degree, the king to be would be ushered into a room and surrounded by his nobles, who would then proclaim "We choose you, who are no better than we, to be our king."

Their concept was that merely raised one of their own to be first among equals.

After all, someone has to go through a door first.

If the British people want to maintain a family encased in an enormous cocoon of wealth, privilege and prestige and bow and curtsey to it, acknowledging the royal family to be superior creations answerable only to God, that is their business.

As for most Americans, I daresay that they aren't really interested in the royal family and the coronation.

After all, we ditched the concept of hereditary monarchy two hundred and fifty years ago and the antics of members of the royal family are comparable to, although far more expensive, those of our own democratically elected politicians.

Whatever interest they might have stems from the fact that a not particularly successful or intelligent American mattress actress and gold digger married the king's moronic second son, producing salacious entertainment by her antics, her lies, her incredible ignorance and stupidity and her criminal fashion sense.

Once the coronation is over, the gruesome twosome will fall into well deserved oblivion.

They should stay there.

As for me, I have exciting news!

The third installment of "Guardians of the Galaxy" will be released at theatres this weekend!

It will be far more entertaining and more relevant to real life that the coronation in particular and monarchy in general.

As for King Charles III, I only have one question: Which brand of tampon did you want to be?